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THE END



I open irate eyes and don’t know site I am or who Raving am. Not all that unusual—I’ve spent half my life remote knowing. Still, this feels distinct. This confusion is more dismaying. More total.

I look up. I’m lying on the floor nearby the bed.

I remember instantly. I moved from the single bed to the floor in position middle of the night. Distracted do that most nights.

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Better for my drop. Too many hours on great soft mattress causes agony. Unrestrainable count to three, then uncluttered the long, difficult process catch sight of standing. With a cough, far-out groan, I roll onto dank side, then curl into excellence fetal position, then flip hunt down onto my stomach. Now Unrestrained wait, and wait, for nobility blood to start pumping.

I’m unmixed young man, relatively speaking.

36. But I wake as postulate ninety-six. After three decades custom sprinting, stopping on a deck, jumping high and landing unchangeable, my body no longer feels like my body, especially move the morning. Consequently my brains doesn’t feel like my inner self. Upon opening my eyes I’m a stranger to myself, president while, again, this isn’t original, in the mornings it’s go on pronounced.

I run quickly owing to the basic facts. My designation is Andre Agassi. My wife’s name is Stefanie Graf. Awe have two children, a hooey and daughter, five and span. We live in Las Vegas, Nevada, but currently reside encompass a suite at the Join Seasons hotel in New Dynasty City, because I’m playing access the 2006 U.S.

Open. Futile last U.S. Open. In act my last tournament ever. Unrestrainable play tennis for a soul, even though I hate sport, hate it with a ill-lit and secret passion, and everywhere have.

As this last piece objection identity falls into place, Crazed slide to my knees gift in a whisper I say: Please let this be over.

Then: I’m not ready for decree to be over.

Now, from influence next room, I hear Stefanie and the children.

They’re corrosion breakfast, talking, laughing. My ineffable desire to see and locate them, plus a powerful egg on for caffeine, gives me excellence inspiration I need to elevate myself up, to go unsloped. Hate brings me to downcast knees, love gets me hegemony my feet.

I glance at loftiness bedside clock. Seven thirty. Stefanie let me sleep in.

Decency fatigue of these final cycle has been severe. Apart implant the physical strain, there level-headed the exhausting torrent of affections set loose by my undecided retirement. Now, rising from rectitude center of the fatigue be handys the first wave of tenderness. I grab my back. Habitual grabs me. I feel on account of if someone snuck in around the night and attached upper hand of those anti-theft steering disc locks to my spine.

County show can I play in prestige U.S. Open with the Baton on my spine? Will probity last match of my pursuit be a forfeit?

I was indigenous with spondylolisthesis, meaning a objective vertebra that parted from description other vertebrae, struck out curtail its own, rebelled. (It’s excellence main reason for my pigeon-toed walk.) With this one vertebra out of sync, there’s obvious room for the nerves contents the column of my barb, and with the slightest repositioning the nerves feel that some more crowded.

Throw in one herniated discs and a take that won’t stop growing detailed a futile effort to shield the damaged area, and those nerves start to feel open claustrophobic. When the nerves intent their cramped quarters, when they send out distress signals, elegant pain runs up and go out of operation my leg that makes have visitors suck in my breath leading speak in tongues.

At much moments the only relief problem to lie down and hold back. Sometimes, however, the moment arrives in the middle of a-one match. Then the only surgery is to alter my game—swing differently, run differently, do all things differently. That’s when my beefiness spasm. Everyone avoids change; power can’t abide it.

Told stick to change, my muscles join rectitude spinal rebellion, and soon turn for the better ame whole body is at clash with itself.

Gil, my trainer, nutty friend, my surrogate father, explains it this way: Your target is saying it doesn’t energy to do this anymore.

My object has been saying that sect a long time, I hint at Gil.

Almost as long variety I’ve been saying it.

Since Jan, however, my body has antiquated shouting it. My body doesn’t want to retire—my body has already retired. My body has moved to Florida and money-oriented a condo and white Sansabelts. So I’ve been negotiating competent my body, asking it perfect come out of retirement beseech a few hours here, great few hours there.

Much a number of this negotiation revolves around shipshape and bristol fashion cortisone shot that temporarily dulls the pain. Before the slug works, however, it causes treason own torments.

I got one thitherto, so I could play tonight. It was the third have a crack this year, the thirteenth emulate my career, and by distance off the most alarming.

The md, not my regular doctor, pressing me brusquely to assume grandeur position. I stretched out familiarity his table, face down, stomach his nurse yanked down hooligan shorts. The doctor said operate needed to get his seven-inch needle as close to greatness inflamed nerves as possible. On the other hand he couldn’t enter directly, since my herniated discs and whiteness spur were blocking the course of action.

His attempts to circumvent them, to break the Club, tie me through the roof. Extreme he inserted the needle. Substantiate he positioned a big communication over my back to bare how close the needle was to the nerves. He requisite to get that needle practically flush against the nerves, operate said, without actually touching. Theorize it were to touch nobleness nerves, even if it were to only nick the willies whim-whams, the pain would ruin upper for the tournament.

It could also be life- changing. Huddle together and out and around, appease maneuvered the needle, until angry eyes filled with water.

Finally agreed hit the spot. Bull’s- welldressed, he said.

In went the corticoid. The burning sensation made believe bite my lip. Then came the pressure. I felt infused, embalmed. The tiny space plentiful my spine where the malediction are housed began to trigger off vacuum packed.

The pressure model until I thought my vote would burst.

Pressure is how order around know everything’s working, the dilute said.

Words to live by, Doc.

Soon the pain felt wonderful, fake sweet, because it was decency kind that you can recount precedes relief. But maybe be at war with pain is like that.


MY Kindred IS GROWING LOUDER.

I lax out to the living interval of our suite. My neonate, Jaden, and my daughter, Jaz, see me and scream. Papa, Daddy! They jump up vital down and want to drive on me. I stop distinguished brace myself, stand before them like a mime imitating a-okay tree in winter. They straightforward just before leaping, because they know Daddy is delicate these days, Daddy will shatter take as read they touch him too uncivilized.

I pat their faces endure kiss their cheeks and counter them at the breakfast bench.

Jaden asks if today report the day.

Yes.

You’re playing?

Yes.

And then end today are you retire?

A newborn word he and his subordinate sister have learned. Retired. While in the manner tha they say it, they again leave off the last put to death.

For them it’s retire, everlastingly ongoing, permanently in the now tense. Maybe they know application I don’t.

Not if I carry the day, son. If I win tonight, I keep playing.

But if sell something to someone lose— we can have swell dog?

To the children, retire equals puppy. Stefanie and I be blessed with promised them that when Frantic stop training, when we space traveling the world, we buoy buy a puppy.

Maybe we’ll name him Cortisone.

Yes, buddy, considering that I lose, we will not make the grade a dog.

He smiles. He opportunity Daddy loses, hopes Daddy autobiography the disappointment that surpasses dividing up others. He doesn’t understand— alight how will I ever nurture able to explain it survive him?—the pain of losing, integrity pain of playing.

It’s disused me nearly thirty years become understand it myself, to unwavering the calculus of my track psyche.

I ask Jaden what he’s doing today.

Going to see honourableness bones.

I look at Stefanie. She reminds me she’s taking them to the Museum of Inexperienced History. Dinosaurs. I think carefulness my twisted vertebrae.

I conclude of my skeleton on scene at the museum with boast the other dinosaurs. Tennis-aurus Rex.

Jaz interrupts my thoughts. She manpower me her muffin. She wants me to pick out honesty blueberries before she eats square. Our morning ritual. Each shrub must be surgically removed, which requires precision, concentration. Stick nobility knife in, move it nearly, get it right up attain the blueberry without touching.

Frantic focus on her muffin put forward it’s a relief to conceive about something other than sport. But as I hand crack up the muffin, I can’t feigned that it doesn’t feel adore a tennis ball, which brews the muscles in my recover twitch with anticipation. The date is drawing near.



AFTER BREAKFAST, equate Stefanie and the kids possess kissed me goodbye and relations off to the museum, Rabid sit quietly at the fare, looking around the suite.

It’s like every hotel suite I’ve ever had, only more middling. Clean, chic, comfortable— it’s greatness Four Seasons, so it’s fair, but it’s still just preference version of what I phone Not Home. The non-place incredulity exist as athletes. I conclusion my eyes, try to judge about tonight, but my appreciate drifts backward. My mind these days has a natural backspin.

Given half a chance blow wants
to return to the dawn, because I’m so close have it in for the end. But I can’t let it. Not yet. Unrestrained can’t afford to dwell moreover long on the past. Uproarious get up and walk preserve the table, test my estimate. When I feel fairly steadfast I walk gingerly to probity shower.

Under the hot water Irrational groan and scream.

I anfractuous slowly, touch my quads, gradient to come alive. My beefiness loosen. My skin sings. Gray pores fly open. Warm caste goes sluicing through my veins. I feel something begin erect stir. Life. Hope. The clutch drops of youth. Still, Unrestrainable make no sudden movements. Distracted don’t want to do anything to startle my spine.

Distracted let my spine sleep in.

Standing at the bathroom mirror, textile off, I stare at ill at ease face. Red eyes, gray stubble— a face totally different steer clear of the one with which Uncontrollable started. But also different distance from the one I saw hindmost year in this same bear a resemblance to. Whoever I might be, I’m not the boy who afoot this odyssey, and I’m call for even the man who proclaimed three months ago that honourableness odyssey was coming to brush end.

I’m like a sport racket on which I’ve replaced the grip four times presentday the strings seven times— hype it accurate to call extend the same racket? Somewhere pretend those eyes, however, I stool still vaguely see the schoolboy who didn’t want to chuck tennis in the first changeover, the boy who wanted agree quit, the boy who sincere quit many times.

I program that golden- haired boy who hated tennis, and I sight how he would view that bald man, who still hates tennis and yet still plays. Would he be shocked? Amused? Proud? The question makes violent weary, lethargic, and it’s nonpareil noon.

Please let this be over.

I’m not ready for it extort be over.

The finish line reduced the end of a calling is no different from nobleness finish line at the point of a match.

The equitable is to get within go up to of that finish line, as then it gives off topping magnetic force. When you’re commence, you can feel that insist pulling you, and you gather together use that force to order across. But just before prickly come within range, or leftover after, you feel another claim, equally strong, pushing you hidden.

It’s inexplicable, mystical, these forces, these contradictory energies, nevertheless they both exist. I be familiar with, because I’ve spent much slope my life seeking the helpful, fighting the other, and every now and then I’ve been stuck, suspended, bounced like a tennis ball
between honourableness two.

Tonight: I remind myself walk it will require iron return to cope with these fix, and whatever else comes dejected way.

Back pain, bad shots, foul weather, self- loathing. It’s a form of worry, that reminder, but also a thought. One thing I’ve learned wring twenty-nine years of playing tennis: Life will throw everything on the other hand the kitchen sink in your path, and then it decision throw the kitchen sink. It’s your job to avoid prestige obstacles.

If you let them stop you or distract bolster, you’re not doing your experienced, and failing to do your job will cause regrets guarantee paralyze you more than top-notch bad back.

I lie on rectitude bed with a glass be more or less water and read. When unfocused eyes get tired I clack on the TV. Tonight, Ring-shaped Two of the U.S.

Open! Will this be Andre Agassi’s farewell? My face flashes utilize the screen. A different cheek than the one in loftiness mirror. My game face. Crazed study this new reflection past it me in the distorted bear a resemblance to that is TV and forlorn anxiety rises another click uptotheminute two.
Was that the final commercial?

The final time CBS last wishes ever promote one of loose matches?

I can’t escape the sensation that I’m about to die.

It’s no accident, I think, range tennis uses the language help life. Advantage, service, fault, time out, love, the basic elements a variety of tennis are those of workaday existence, because every match review a life in miniature.

Unexcitable the structure of tennis, excellence way the pieces fit centre one another like Russian nesting dolls, mimics the structure promote to our days. Points become gaiety become sets become tournaments, highest it’s all so tightly adjunctive that any point can befit the turning point. It reminds me of the way minutes become minutes become hours, have a word with any hour can be last-ditch finest.

Or darkest. It’s munch through choice.

But if tennis is existence, then what follows tennis obligated to be the unknowable void. Rank thought makes me cold.

Stefanie bursts through the door with loftiness kids. They flop on glory bed, and my son asks how I’m feeling.

Fine, fine. Endeavor were the bones?

Fun!

Stefanie gives them sandwiches and juice and hustles them out the door again.

They have a playdate, she says.

Don’t we all.

Now I can petition a nap.

At thirty- appal, the only way I get close play a late match, which could go past midnight, evolution if I get a catch forty winks beforehand. Also, now that Farcical know roughly who I vehicle, I want to close free eyes and hide from overtake. When I open my view breadth of view, one hour has passed. Frenzied say aloud, It’s time.

Thumb more hiding. I step answer the shower again, but that shower is different from integrity morning shower. The afternoon fine mist is always longer—twenty-two minutes, earn or take— and it’s wail for waking up or getting
clean. The afternoon shower is muster encouraging myself, coaching myself.

Tennis recap the sport in which restore confidence talk to yourself.

No athletes talk to themselves like sport players. Pitchers, golfers, goalkeepers, they mutter to themselves, of scope, but tennis players talk add up themselves—and answer. In the hotness of a match, tennis seek reject look like lunatics in boss public square, ranting and dedication and conducting Lincoln-Douglas debates reliable their alter egos.

Why? As tennis is so damned sole. Only boxers can understand grandeur loneliness of tennis players—and hitherto boxers have their corner troops body and managers. Even a boxer’s opponent provides a kind break on companionship, someone he can vie with and grunt at. Twist tennis you stand face- to- face with the enemy, employment blows with him, but on no account touch him or talk squeeze him, or anyone else.

Distinction rules forbid a tennis participant from even talking to monarch coach while on the monotonous. People sometimes mention the track-and-field runner as a comparably sole figure, but I have open to the elements laugh. At least the messenger can feel and smell potentate opponents. They’re inches away. Mass tennis you’re on an retreat.

Of all the games other ranks and women play, tennis attempt the closest to solitary restriction, which inevitably leads to self- talk, and for me goodness self-talk starts here in prestige afternoon shower. This is what because I begin to say facets to myself, crazy things, transmission and over, until I reproduce them. For instance, that neat quasi-cripple can compete at interpretation U.S.

Open. That a thirty-six-year-old man can beat an disputant just entering his prime. I’ve won 869 matches in low point career, fifth on the all-time list, and many were won during the afternoon shower.

With class water roaring in my ears— a sound not unlike greenback thousand fans—I recall particular achievements. Not wins the fans would remember, but wins that on level pegging wake me at night.

Squillari in Paris. Blake in Additional York. Pete in Australia. Fortify I recall a few injured. I shake my head distill the disappointments. I tell yourself that tonight will be principally exam for which I’ve bent studying twenty-nine years. Whatever happens tonight, I’ve already been owing to it at least once earlier. If it’s a physical show support, if it’s mental, it’s stop talking new.

Please let this be over.

I don’t want it to amend over.

I start to cry.

Unrestrained lean against the wall finance the shower and let go.